Introduction
If ever there is a time in our calendar where a glossy exterior hides a less-than-perfect reality, it has got to be the Christmas season. For all its TV adverts, HallmarkTM cards and foil-wrapped sugary treats, Christmas sadly often leaves us wanting. We are sold a narrative of seamless joy, yet this is often where the cracks in our most intimate architecture – our marriages and families – become most apparent.
A quick glance at the statistics tells a sobering story. 53% of Britons expect family rows this Christmas, with 73% of those attributing this tension to the relentless cost-of-living crisis. January typically sees a 40% spike in crisis calls to relationship helplines, and divorce filings surge by 25% on the first working Monday of the year, bleakly dubbed ‘Divorce Day’. When I surveyed my own social media audience about the impact of the season, I didn’t hear about magical festivities; I heard about the friction over the credit card bill, resentment over the unequal share of domestic labour, and the overwhelming sense of relief when the last of the tinsel is finally packed away. In short, Christmas is a pressure cooker for couples.
How couples can support themselves
As a couples’ therapist, I know that making small, intentional changes can prevent a seasonal rough patch from becoming a permanent fracture. I often encourage couples to bring a gentle curiosity to their festivities. Just because a tradition has been held for 14 years doesn’t mean it still serves you now. Can you prioritise each other in your plans, rather than just the expectations of others?
I advise clients to start early with honest communication about the ‘three Ms’ – money, mechanics (practicalities) and mothers-in-law! (which is of course a flippant shorthand for tricky family members). Don’t be afraid to draw up a shared list to make the invisible labour visible for both of you. Focus on a sense of fairness – remembering that for a division of chores to feel fair, it doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly equal. Above all, lower the bar for perfection and raise it for kindness. Can you help each other find the space to recharge alone, so you have more to give when you are together? Can you choose presence with each other over presents?
Image credit: FG Trade Latin/istockphoto.com
The Church as a front line
For many, the church family is the primary support system during the holidays. Whether you are a vicar or a volunteer, you are on the front line of care. You are often the first port of call when a spouse reaches their tipping point. This is a vital role; you provide the compassionate witnessing that can de-escalate a crisis. I see daily the difference that this kind of early, community-based intervention can make.
Cultivating a supportive church culture
To be a truly safe community for struggling couples, your church culture needs a few distinctives:
Normalise the struggle
Use your sermons to acknowledge that marriage is often quiet, difficult work. Using real-life examples rebalances the societal expectation of the perfect marriage without excluding single people, who face their own unique festive hurdles.
Protect the calendar
Are you over-programming? Encourage couples to prioritise a quiet night in by saying ‘no’ to some events. Lead by example – don’t expect your volunteers to be at the church every night of December.
Economic honesty
Be real about financial hardship. This is where couples feel the most intense pressure. Be ready to signpost families to local compassion projects that offer dignity alongside practical help.
Lead from health
If you are married, you cannot lead from an empty cup. Ensure you and your spouse have firm boundaries. If the congregation sees the leadership protecting their relationships, it gives them permission to do the same. Single leaders can model this by prioritising their own wellbeing and time with friends and family.
When couples ask for help
When a congregant approaches you with deeper issues – betrayal, sexlessness or a loss of passion – you must know your limits. Your role is to offer a listening ear and signpost them to professional pathways, such as the Association of Christian Counsellors (ACC). It is vital to manage your own biases: walk the line of accepting the person completely without taking sides, knowing there is always another perspective on the relationship.
God with us
At Christmas, we celebrate Emmanuel. We remember that Christ’s coming is the ultimate proof of God’s ‘with-ness’. When we stand alongside marriages in their messiness, we become the hands and feet of Jesus, bearing witness that he is with us at every level of our lives.
Find out more
Naomi shares tips and tools for couples on her website.
Look out for Melanie Cave's interview with Naomi on the Roots for Churches podcast.